The Tweet of Revelations

“I can’t believe that this world can go on beyond our generation and on down to succeeding generations with this kind of weapon on both sides poised at each other without someday some fool or some maniac or some accident triggering the kind of war that is the end of the line for all of us. And I just think of what a sigh of relief would go up from everyone on this earth if someday–and this is what I have–my hope, way in the back of my head–is that if we start down the road to reduction, maybe one day in doing that, somebody will say, ‘Why not all the way? Let’s get rid of all these things’.”

-Ronald Reagan, May 16th, 1983

Donald Trump's Christmas gift to the American people came in the form of a tweet about nuclear armament.  140 characters is all it takes to spark a global arms race in this day and age.  With a few finger-strokes the man has given Americans a reason to worry for the holidays. Over fifty years of nuclear deescalation programs vaporized by a tweet from the most ignorant and powerful man on the earth.  Nuclear winter may very well be coming.

What better way to celebrate the birth of Jesus than by flirting with the idea of a nuclear holocaust?  The evangelicals who voted Trump into office must be very proud of themselves, for the fury and wrath of God should strike down our enemies in the form of nuclear hellfire sent from the abnormally small fingers of Donald Trump, right?  Is that not the reason for the season? There was absolutely no need to revive the subject of nuclear destruction, yet Cheeto Jesus was bored and decided affect global politics with the flick of a finger.  The weaponization of social media continues.

It wasn't exactly a difficult or arduous process to con the evangelicals and christians of the United States.  After all, TV evangelists have been scamming them out of their money for decades, it's practically a sport at this point.  He pandered so shamelessly and fraudulently and it worked perfectly.  He told them that, like any good christian, he had never asked for forgiveness.  He followed up by claiming he "will be asking, but hopefully [he] won't have to be asking for too much forgiveness." In the event there were still non-believers after such a humbling admission, he further proved his faith and piousness by proudly stating "we love the bible.  It's the best."  And although "we love the Art of the Deal, the bible is far, far superior, yes."  Having convinced them of his piety, he now sets the table for Armageddon just in time for Christmas dinner.

The symbolism and sick irony of the situation is glaring.  Jesus was a middle-eastern refugee and on the day we celebrate him, our national discourse surrounds the capricious tweets of a demagogic madman wondering aloud if he should play God and the Devil all at once.  For Trump is a conman and snake-oil salesman who lied to the christians and now assumes the role of their God. He rode to victory on their backs, and on the eve of their holy day he conjures visions of a fiery destruction that would render God himself weak at the knees.  Is this the morality that evangelicals demand as they cast judgement upon those who do not agree with them?  

Trump's choice for Attorney General claimed "good people don't smoke marijuana", but I think if Jesus were real he would prefer the potheads to the preachers, the smokers to the sycophants.  What's so wrong about sitting on the couch and inhaling the fumes of combusted plant matter, altering your conscience and feeling God for real? Have the cannabis consumers of the planet ever threatened nuclear destruction?  Do the stoners of the planet try to play God and wield unruly power?  Would Jesus build up a stockpile of hydrogen bombs that could eviscerate planet earth itself?

No.  Jesus would sit with his common man and smoke marijuana, inhaling and exhaling and feeling and understanding we are all One.  Regardless of the fiery rhetoric and extreme language that has consumed our politics and nation in the year of 2016, Jesus would rise above.  I highly doubt he would threaten the end of life itself on the earth.  I'm not devout but something tells me he would do the opposite, in fact.

Perhaps for Easter, Donald Trump will give the bible-thumpers the Apocalypse they've always wanted.  Maybe he'll take out the nuclear football after devouring his favorite meal from McDonalds and assume the role of God.  At this point it doesn't seem so far-fetched to imagine a situation in which the donald forgets he is a human being and decides to initiate the end times.  His twitter feed will be filled with harsh judgements from the internet, tweets that burn his eyes.  Anderson Cooper will blare from the TV in the background of his lavish office in Trump Tower, tormenting him like shrill trumpets.  Innocent and pure climate change activists will present pictures of disfigured seals lying dead on the beach, enraging the orange one.

And the culmination of these afflictions might push him to the edge.  Optionless, trump will see no other choice but to trigger the Apocalypse, simultaneously assuming the role of God and Jesus while aerosolizing the Middle East, or California.  Those same fingers will find their way to Twitter to tweet his own triumph and beckon his loyal groupies to follow him upward to the great beyond - the Penthouse of Trump Tower.  The remaining portion of the country who never believed him will be sentenced to an eternity of taco bowls from the low-quality restaurant on the ground floor of the same tower.

This nightmarish fever-dream would seem less outlandish had Reince Priebus - the leader of the trump White House and former head of the RNC - not tweeted on Christmas day: "Over two millenia ago, a new hope was born into the world, a Savior who would offer the promise of salvation to all mankind.  Just as the three wise men did on that night, this Christmas heralds a time to celebrate the good news of a new king."  The GOP has really embraced this horrifying vision of trump as God and Savior of mankind.  They have bought the snake-oil and given him the power to commence worldwide destruction.  I hope they are prepared to meet their maker and face judgement at the conclusion of their regularly-scheduled NFL broadcast. 

-Adam Mantine

Adam MantineComment